The open adoption process is both a blessing in disguise and one of the hardest parts of the birth mother’s journey. Many mothers don’t know this is an option at first, and it leaves them torn on what to do. Open adoptions are typically more healthy for the birth and adoptive parents, but many questions must be answered before the agreement can be mutually beneficial. A birth mother’s top concern is how and how often will she communicate with her child.

Communicating with your child after an adoption is different for every family. Some adoptive parents prefer communication to be one-way, where they send updates on the child but the birth mother doesn’t communicate back. Others want the birth parents to be very involved, and more than happy to make accommodations for the birth parents’ reciprocal communication. It all depends on what you want, and how important an open adoption is to your pregnancy plan.

Here’s what one birthmother says about communicating to her child after adoption:

“From the moment I held my baby girl for the first time, I knew I wanted to be a part of her life. I had discussed an open adoption agreement with her adoptive parents, but told myself if I changed my mind I could always ask to close the communication.

But, when I first saw her, I knew I wanted to see her grow up. I wanted to help her parents know as much about her family history as possible. And I wanted her to know how much I would love her every single day.

When I left the hospital I left the parents with a folder of my information, pictures, and a letter to them thanking them for loving my daughter. For the first few weeks, I grieved heavily, not wanting to socialize and feeling torn about looking at her baby photos. Then one day, as I was picturing holding her again, I decided to write a letter.

It was short and simple. I didn’t get into my family history, or much into my personal life. All I wanted to tell her is how much I loved her, and everything I was feeling the first few weeks without her. It was then I decided I would write to her more often. I wanted to tell her about myself throughout life, rather than telling it all in one letter.

I’ve written a few since, and each of them ends with me telling her how precious she is, and how much I still love her every day.”

Writing to your baby is a powerful healing tool, and will allow you to give the love you feel for your child when they grow up. Even if you decide not to send every letter, you can still write them and use them throughout your birthmother journey. The emotions you discover on paper will show the unbreakable bond between you and your child.