In an unplanned pregnancy dilemma adoption tends to be the most difficult option for mothers to understand. Parenting is straight-forward; but, no one really knows what to expect when it comes to giving your baby for adoption. We understand your hesitation, and even your reluctance to choose adoption if you don’t understand it. So here’s what we know about adoption, and what you’ll likely experience if you think it’s the right decision for you:
The decision is ultimately up to you. Your family, friends and naturally the father will have varying opinions about what to do. The father’s opinion is very important, but if he is not willing to support both you and your baby, you have to make the decision for yourself. Don’t let others pressure you into something you’re uncomfortable with.
It gets easier once you make the decision. The initial shock of finding out you’re pregnant is the hardest part of this entire process. But after you’ve made the decision (whatever that decision is), you’ll feel a sense of relief. You won’t worry as much about what everyone else is telling you because you’ll know in your heart what to do. If giving your baby for adoption is the right choice, don’t be afraid to ask for help.
Many adoptive parents want you to be involved. You have to be very clear when communicating with the adoptive family. Many will be happy to send you photos and updates, but you have to ask. Ensure them that contact with you won’t interfere with their parenting, nor will it interfere with your healing process. It will also make it easier for them when your child asks questions about their heritage and about you.
Post-adoption depression is real and serious. After your baby is in their new home, grief will hit hard. There’s no way around it – you just have to go through it with courage and self-love. Surround yourself with supportive people, whether that’s your friends, your partner, other birthmothers, or a grief counselor. Most importantly, express your emotions in a healthy way. Don’t be afraid to let out your feelings rather than keeping them hidden.
But, remember the grief isn’t permanent. Studies show that women who place their children in adoptive homes do not have less fulfilling lives than other moms. In fact, many have increased financial stability, emotional health and better success with their life goals. The grief will be real and painful, but you will recover in time. If you ever feel that the grief is taking over your life, talk to a counselor. It’s important to get help for your mental health throughout your life, not just after the adoption.
Permanent placement is very different from foster care. If you experienced or witnessed the hardships of foster care, you may be hesitant to place your child in an adoptive home. But, placing your baby in a permanent home, with parents who want a long-term commitment, is nothing like the foster care system.
Your child does want to know who you are. One day your child will want to know about you as a mother. They will want to know who you are as a person, about your history, and how they are similar to you. When that time comes, be open and honest, and respect the adoptive family’s wishes. One day you will be able to heal the loss from birth and create a meaningful relationship with your child again.
