Is It Normal to Feel Guilty as a Birthmother?

Right now, about a hundred questions are racing through your head. “Now that I know I’m pregnant, what do I do? Who should I tell? What option feels right? Am I making the best, or the easiest decision?” Almost all the birthmothers we help have one of these questions, but sometimes they’re afraid to ask. The thing that keeps them from asking is primarily guilt.

Most birthmothers, at some point during the pregnancy, feel guilty that they decided to give their child for adoption. Guilt is one of the most powerful emotions we feel, because we often regret our decisions, not because they were wrong, but because we are lead to believe they are. It’s incredibly difficult to take care of yourself emotionally during a pregnancy, when your mind is clouded with thoughts and questions like, “Is adoption really the best option for me?”

You may think it’s your responsibility, if friends or family members tell you so. Friends and family may try to convince you to keep the child because it’s what they think they would do. But the truth is, no one knows what they would actually do until they are in your situation. Sometimes the father will try to convince you that adoption is not the right choice, because he is insecure or fearful. These messages do not have to affect your decision; it is your child, your life and future that should guide you to the best decision for both you and your baby.

Only you know what’s best for your child.

Adoption is not an escape of responsibility, but a selfless act that shows your child how much you care for them, even before they are born. What no one else will understand (unless they’ve been in your situation), is that choosing adoption is your motherly instinct acting out of love and compassion for your child. Remember, you are the first mother, and will continue to feel that love for your child even if you decide to let another family into their life.

All you are guilty of is loving your child and knowing before anyone else realizes that your child’s future involves more than one family. They need you, the mother who will bring them into the world and make that first step in the right direction, and the second family, who will raise them in the kind of home you would want to give them.

You don’t have to go through this alone.

You can choose an open adoption, where you will still be involved in your child’s life, along with their adoptive parents. If you choose a closed adoption, the team at Birthmother’s Choice can help you through these tough emotions, and match you with a family that will love and care for that precious baby whose future you’re looking after.

You’ll always love your baby, and feeling guilty should not change that love. No matter your decision, we want to help you. Tackling these emotions one day at a time will help you feel good about the decision you make, and will allow you to recover once the baby is born. If you ever need to talk, call one of our team members at Birthmother’s Choice.